Help my unbelief 

The following passage from Romans is easy for me to tell others to believe, and can be the hardest for me to believe.   

Rom:10:8-13

But what does it say? “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); 9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. 11 For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. 13 For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

Since my earliest of days I have always believed in God. I have always marveled at what He has made. The beauty, intrigue, boldness, color, variety, and the amazing sounds of creation. These things give us clues about our Creator. The place of faith that is a struggle for me personally, is accepting the forgiveness of my own sins. 

Receiving God's love and favor as a free gift, without any conditions, can be a challenge. My brain tells me I do not deserve it, and my flesh wants to try to achieve it. My inner man is always transparent before God. To think that such a beautiful and wonderful being as God could love me in spite of me, at times has been difficult to accept.

A year ago I was in a counselors office whom I had been meeting with for more than a year. He had patiently helped me sift through a plethora of unresolved issues. Eleven years of ministry in an unhealthy leadership environment had maxed my mental and emotional capacity to the point where I could no longer absorb anymore insanity. Nor could I ignore the fact I was slipping into a deep depression and fake that I was "OK." The church is supposed to be a place of hope, but as pastor,  It became a hopeless environment. As a result I fell into a place of unbelief, and depression filled the void, I could not escape the depression anymore. I was not thinking clearly,  making poor choices, and contemplating desperate measures to escape my constant emotional pain. I cried out to God for help, and it came in the form of the leadership asking for my resignation. It was what I wanted and needed to do but not what I expected.

Looking back at the false allegations and calloused manner in which I was treated by the men and women whom I thought were supposedly my friends, was a shock that crushed what was left of my spirit. The Pastor and elders, whom I had given everything to in service to the congregation, treated me as if I was a leper or a criminal. People I had ministered to, heard their heartaches, confessions and concealed their sins, taught in countless hours of Bible study, and would have done anything for any of them if the shoe had been on the other foot. I was in disbelief at how quickly they turned on me. Someone once said that church can be a place where they shoot the wounded, and this time it was me. The pain was great.

I am thankful to be out, God heard and delivered me from the pit. The road to recovery led me to a counselor who was a former pastor and now counselor. He led me on a 1/12 year journey to recovery.

During one of the later counselling sessions, after a year of owning my own sins, and poor decisions, I made the statement to the counselor "I know I believe in God's grace but I can't seem to forgive myself." The counselor abruptly said to me "no you don't, that is the problem, you don't believe in grace." That stunned me and woke something up deep within me.

The counselor went on to tell me what I already knew to be true. He explained that the grace of God we receive in Christ has nothing to do with our feelings, performance, nor whether we have a good or bad day. We receive God's grace as a gift, period. At that point and forevermore we are under the covering of God's grace. We are in the "room of grace" regardless of how we wake up and perform throughout a day.

As someone who had taught about grace for the past 43 years, it was an embarrassing moment to be confronted with my own unbelief. At the same time it renewed a peace and joy that I had thought I would never enjoy again. It was the shocking jolt I needed to jump start my faith In Christ.

."Lord help my unbelief" was my cry of my heart that day, and there are still days I cry " Lord help my unbelief," but it's okay to tell God that I struggle with that some days. Why? Because by faith, not by feelings or emotions, I believe in what Jesus has already done for me. I have received mercy and forever in live the "room of grace."

PS God led us to a place of great healing and renewed joy. The Church of the City in Franklin Tn. I encourage you to find a healthy church that is focused on serving Christ, saving the lost in your community, and helping the poor, widows and orphans